My Gay Hideaway

I have not written for a while because I have been in hiding. I have been regrouping and taking stock not in rehab or a quiet country retreat but in the safety of the Gay World.

I decided to disappear into the Gay World after the ultimate act of desperadoness committed by moi, The Desperado. It began with the organisation of a date. Sounds simple and innocent enough? No no, not for The Desperado! First of all, I couldn't remember his name and had to ask him what it was, then I proceeded to get incredibly drunk, which resulted in me not really being able to recall any of the date. Then, my equally drunk friends turned up causing a scene in the middle of a very quiet bar (which I actually found quite funny, only someone sober would have been embarrassed). So we ended up back at his place where I proceeded to throw myself at him like some sex starved nymphomaniac. Classic desperado behaviour.

So, alas, the date started bad and ended worse! My first date in 3 years culminated in being naked with a virtual stranger. Oh! The shame! And so, the realisation dawned on me that I could not cope with the straight world. I wasn't fully equipped to deal with a date scenario having been in a relationship for 3 years I had forgotten basic etiquette.

The Gay World have helped me through. Going to the gay bar every weekend has been refreshing. It means you can stand on a podium waving a glow stick whilst pulling some of the most god awful rave moves not seen in public since 95 without the fear that the man of your dreams is standing at the bar with his mates laughing his ass off at you. It means you can make a complete arse of yourself and nobody cares, including you because there is no one to impress. It is just pure unadulterated fun!

Although, now I don't want to venture back into the straight world, it's scary and unpredictable out there and not nearly as colourful. I have decided to ease myself back in this weekend, daunting as it may seem, my time in the Gay World has taught me that there is nothing wrong with making a fool of yourself and that it's actually quite fun, a fact I always knew but just forgot. So as I make my way back out into the straight world I know my World of gayness will always be there to disappear into when things get tough.

My New Plan

Well, after all my efforts guess who sheepishly got in touch (by email might I add) yes, Double M. Just as I was finally thinking about moving on. But! Fear not! I am still moving on. I am ignoring his flirtations and hopefully soon I will be totally immune to Double M's charms.

I have taken the decision to have a man free 2007. The Fee and I were discussing our younger years and remembered a distinctly, shall we say, dry patch. We abstained for almost a year (although I think mine was longer). The thing is we recalled that that was the year when we had the most fun. I mean, ok, we were we younger and generally more carefree but more importantly we were hassle free.

So thats my resolution, even if it is a little late. I have a fabulous new flat, fabulous friends and a job that doesn't make me feel suicidal every morning, what more could I ask for? I'm going to have as much fun as humanly possible.

I think I am cured for now and the above does sound appealing but once a desperado always a desperado, I can't say I will never slip into my old ways and I also cannot honestly say that I will always be able to resist Double M's charms (or any other Double M types for that matter). As it is only January and a year is a long time, lets just see how it goes. I think the key to my full recovery is to avoid Double M like the plague but I just don't know how easy that is going to be............

The Penny Drops.........

Ok, cold turkey is going well although now I am traumatised by the fact that a. he hasn't noticed and b. he obviously doesn't care.

I have taken a long hard look at myself and my relationship to Double M (mostly the lack of one) in the 3 days I have been cold turkey. He hasn't bothered to call, text or even e-mail and I realised that I had been slightly stalking him. Without my efforts of communication he completely forgets I exist.

I am no longer in denial, upset or jealous, I have now moved onto phase 3 - anger tinged with a little bit of sadness. Now, don't panic I am not about to key his car or make his life a living hell in any way. I am merely stating that although I have known this man for the best part of 10 years he still treated me like some random he met out on a Saturday night special. I am horrified at myself for allowing the situation to develop this far although I do feel that some advantage was taken. He knew full well I liked him in that way and fooled me into believing he felt the same without actually giving anything away. In short - I was used. Used by someone I liked and thought liked me. I know its not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last but I don't think it gets any easier to accept. I think it hurts more because I thought we were friends and I thought he liked me as a friend but oviously not even that. Oh! The shame!

Ok ok, 'stop whining!' I hear you cry! As The Fee and I always say at times like this - self pity is not an attractive feature' so I will stop but I will say I don't know what I ever saw in him. I have been foolishly clinging on (for 6 yes 6 years!) to something that was never there in the first place.

I think the time has come to stop living my life like I'm in some kind of romantic comedy movie it's just sad and desparate - I have been sad and desperate. Double M must be having a right good laugh at my expense! But I fear people like him eventually get what they deserve as they say in China 'If you sit by the river long enough the bodies of your enemies eventually float past'. Maybe a bit harsh but thats the anger stage for you...................

So, the next step in my recovery is:

To Get over Double M and move on.

Desperado Goes Cold Turkey

Well, as I lay in bed last night willing my phone to ring or just to give a little beep to let me know that a text was on its way, looking at it every 5 minutes in the vain hope I might have, in some way, impaired my hearing and missed the call. I would have switched it off but the words of The Fee rang in my ears 'Don't do it to yourself because when you switch it back on there will still be no messages and you'll be even more disappointed', I almost had to chew my hands off at the wrist to stop from calling him.

Anyway, I made it through the night even though I lay awake for half of it wondering what he was doing, probably out with his 'alleged girlfriend' who, in the words of The Fee 'is about as cool as him' which, in her opinion is not very. She is correct however, you were not there to witness the air guitar moment - foot on chair, scrunched up face, going for it to status quo.

So I have come to some conclusions which are vital to my recovery. It's not like I am desperate to be his girlfriend, I think I am annoyed because he hasn't chosen me over Miss Alleged, which in turn is the root cause of my Desperadoness. I thought about some of the things he said to me and it's amazing how you can pretend to hear something that was never actually said. For instance when talking about Miss Alleged he stated that he believed that she took the relationship a little more seriously than he did and ending it with her was something he would have to 'think about'. He also said he was at a point in his life when he had to start looking for 'the one' which I now believe is Miss Alleged as I was never mentioned at all in the conversation but obviously what I heard was 'you are the one and I must immediately finish with my alleged girlfriend' Oh My God! Its not a blog I need, its a therapist!

So now it is my insane jealousy of Double M and Miss Alleged that I need to deal with because knowing my luck they will get married and have babies and I really don't fancy being bitter for the next 40 or so years. I have also decided to go and see a psychic and see if she mentions anything about it, you know -'You will be bitter for the next 40 years and die alone in room like that strange one from Great Expectations waiting for Double M to realise its you he loves'. She might tell me something nice though that will spur me on with my recovery.

What really gets me is his blatant bastardness

So today is the first day of cold turkey and the next step in my recovery is:

Realise Double M's blatant bastardness

Double M and the Desperado

Me and my friend 'The Fee' have decided that in order to curb our obsessiveness and to perhaps kill off the Desperado in both of us we must have an outlet for our general anger and misunderstanding of the world and the people in it (most of whom we don't like very much).

The Fee e-mailed me telling me that blogging would be 'good for me' so we shall see how many blogs it takes before I am cured.

I only became a Desperado within the last couple of months. It began with me reverting back to my old ways of deciding it would be easier to 'fall in love' with someone who was unavailable in every way rather than actually find someone who is . We'll call this person 'Double M'. Now, Double M is a serial womaniser and an emotional cripple (sounds perfect to me!) who is obviously not in the least bit interested in having an emotional relationship with me, however, I have convinced myself that secretly he is in love with me but just 'too scared to admit it' and eventually he will realise that I am 'the One' - even though we have already discussed this and my name didn't come up once, in fact he went out of his way to ensure that I didn't think he was talking about me. None the less I am clinging on (for dear life) to my belief that eventually he will see that I am the one for him.

And so here I am six years later: a Desperado with slight stalker tendencies and a wine addiction. It's taken a lot for me to admit I'm a Desperado as The Fee and I regularly make fun of others who have Desperado ways. I think the first step in my recovery is to say:

My Name is Julia and I am a Desperado.